Pretend I'm Dead 1995

featuring MIODRAG STANKOVIĆ and DARKO MATIĆ

MY FIRST COUPLE OF YEARS IN LONDON WERE SPENT IN DENIAL, AS I SWAPPED A CAREFREE STUDENT LIFESTYLE IN BELGRADE, AND BRIEF TASTE OF CHART SUCCESS WITH MY BAND, FOR A SQUALID ROOM AND A STRING OF LOW-PAID JOBS THAT INVOLVED TOILETS, UNHINGED EMPLOYERS AND SUB-ZERO TEMPERATURES.

STILL I BELIEVED MY LIFE WAS UNCHANGED, THAT I WAS SIMPLY CONTINUING WHERE I LEFT OFF. I WAS STILL FIRMLY ON MY PATH to MAKING MY NAME AS A SONGWRITER, IT’S JUST THAT THE LOCATION WAS DIFFERENT. WHAT I FAILED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IS THAT EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS TRYING HARD TO STICK TO MY ROUTINES AND PLAY THE SAME SONGS, NONE OF IT FELT OR SOUNDED THE SAME.

1995 WAS THE YEAR WHEN IT ALL FINALLY SANK IN, WHEN I REALIZED THAT DŽELA (JELENA MIKLJA) WAS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO JOIN ĆOMI (MIODRAG ‘TOMMY’ STANKOVIĆ) AND ME IN LONDON AND WHEN THE BRUTALITY OF THE WAR WE HAD FLED FROM, THE SCALE AND THE IRREVERSIBLE NATURE OF THE DESTRUCTION WIPED OUT ANY NOTION OF CONTINUITY I HAD BEEN DESPERATELY CLINGING ONTO FOR TWO YEARS.

PRETEND I’M DEAD REFLECTS THIS MOMENT OF REALIZATION. IT SPEAKS OF DENIAL AS A COPING MECHANISM AND DOES IT IN A LANGUAGE THAT COMBINES CHILDLIKE NAIVETY AND HAUNTING IMAGERY OF MASS EXECUTIONS. IT WAS PERHAPS THE FIRST STEP ON MY LONG ROAD TO REBUILDING MY LIFE, OF ACKNOWLEDGING THE NEW REALITY, YET WITHOUT ANY IDEA OF HOW TO DEAL WITH IT OR WHERE IT WAS GOING TO TAKE US.

IT WAS THE LAST SONG ĆOMI AND I RECORDED AS SOUND & FURY IN LONDON BEFORE WE WENT OUR SEPARATE WAYS AND OUR DREAM OF PRESERVING NOT JUST OUR BAND, BUT THE LIFE AND CAREER WE HAD IMAGINED FOR OURSELVES, EVEN TASTED FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, FINALLY CAME TO AN END.

THE ORIGINAL TWO-INCH TAPE OF THIS RECORDING SAT BURIED IN MY CUPBOARD FOR ALMOST TWENTY YEARS, UNTIL THE SUMMER OF 2014, WHEN WE BROUGHT IT TO VLADA’S (VLADIMIR NEGOVANOVIĆ) STUDIO IN BELGRADE WHERE NADIA ADDED HER SYNTH AND BACKING VOCALS AND I RE-RECORDED ALL MY TRACKS, LEAVING ONLY ĆOMI’S ELECTRIC GUITARS INTACT FROM THE ORIGINAL 1995 SESSION. DARKO (DARKO MAtIĆ) THEN ADDED HIS BASS LINE IN 2015, NADIA PLAYED HER GUITAR IN 2016 AND SOME FINAL TWEAKS WERE MADE IN 2017 AND 2018.

I wouldn’t have to remember
May have never even known
How two people can talk
Let themselves flow
Speaking words of affection
I’ll take you to the bright side
You’ll show me what’s that about this world
That long ago died
Or may have never even existed
Pure as the water you poured for me to drink
When my mouth was dry
This water is cold
A different kind of cold

If I didn’t know
If we didn’t meet
It would all be so simple
I would easily make myself believe
I’d been led astray
And hate is the only way
The one thing that can keep me going
Keep getting ahead
Two steps forward no steps back
Or something like that
Yeah, I was wrong
And for what I’ve done I should pay
But I know what I’ll do

I’ll pretend I’m
I’ll pretend I’m dead
I’ll pretend I’m
I’ll pretend
Pretend I’m dead
I’ll close my eyes
So no one will know I’m there

If nothing had happened
Would this be called happiness
Or simply forgotten
You would wake up in the morning
Hold a mirror to yourself and see
Not a master of self-deceit
But a face of a better tomorrow
If they never happened
Tomorrow would now belong to you
But you know what I’ll do

I’ll pretend I’m
I’ll pretend I’m dead
I’ll pretend I’m
I’ll pretend
Pretend I’m dead
I’ll close my eyes
So no one will know I’m there.

I’ll pretend I’m
I’ll pretend I’m dead
So she’ll have to put the bullet
Through someone else’s head
I’ll pretend I’m
I’ll pretend
Pretend I’m dead
I’ll close my eyes
So no one will know I’m there.

WRITTEN AND PRODUCED BY DUŠAN TOLMAČ
ADDITIONAL MIXING BY VLADIMIR NEGOVANOVIĆ
MASTERED BY eMASTERED

ELECTRIC GUITARS RECORDED AT VON'S STUDIO, LONDON (1995).
BASS GUITAR RECORDED AT STUDIO KAMELEON, NOVI SAD, 2015.
RECORDING ENGINEER (NOVI SAD): BOŽIDAR NIKOLIĆ

OTHER TRACKS RECORDED AT STUDIO SKY, BELGRADE (2014, 2016)
AND AT HOME IN LONDON (2017, 2018) AND KIKINDA (2018).

RECORDING ENGINEER (BELGRADE): VLADIMIR NEGOVANOVIĆ

ACOUSTIC GUITARS/VOCALs: DUŠAN TOLMAČ
SYNTH/ACOUSTIC GUITAR/BACKING VOCALS: NADIA ROMERO